The Day That Changed My Life

I could still remember that day clearly. The date was 24 August 2014. Just the day before we went out for a date. It was happy. Who would've known that everything would turn upside down on the next day? Fuck I shouldn't be writing this >_>

She suddenly texted me saying, "Could you log into FB Skype? We need to talk."
After seeing that, I knew what's coming. What I was feeling at that point of time cannot be described with words. I would have to detach my heart and attach it to your body, then perhaps you might be able to feel what I felt. She told me that she felt our relationship isn't working anymore. (previously we had similar problems too, but I think I failed to address it, cos we were busy with our lives. I was working, attending seminars, trying to think of ways to make more money. I shall not elaborate on that as it's a different topic)

Tears were rolling down her face. My heart sunk to a depth so deep that it was impossible for me to say anything at all. I saw that sadness in her face. I tried my best to look calm; I tried my best to hold my tears. That's what I am really good at (fuck me I deserved it). I didn't know what to say. I was afraid that I couldn't hold it anymore. It was terrible, it felt as if the sky has fell on me. Her heart was with someone else, no longer with mine. There was a severe blackout in my head, I couldn't organize my thoughts, all of the energy was spent to keep myself calm. "I mustn't cry. I do not know what to do if I hurt her more. Therefore talk I shall not " was what I told myself.

I could only think of "Could you please give me a chance to redeem myself in the future? I do not want to let you go. I will reflect and change for the better". She agreed, but somehow I think she agreed because she didn't want to hurt me, and she didn't mean it. I don't know really, but that's what I think. I'm sorry for being so negative. We ended our webcam session after that.

I took 5 minutes to reorganize myself. I was worried if anything happened to her, so I texted her on Whatsapp. She didn't reply. So, without thinking much, I spammed her. She then told me to give her some time alone. I apologized.

"Right, I feel a bit clearer now. I can now type what I want to say in a file and let her read it". I sent to her a letter I typed. To summarize the content of the letter, I apologized to her. I also told her that I didn't want anything bad to happen. I told her that she has my support no matter what she does, and I told her to give me a chance to restart everything again. And that I love her.


I could still remember that I did not sleep much that night. I was thinking how did I screw up this badly. I hated myself. Her love was like the best thing that I could ever have, and she means more to me than anything else. But I failed her, I broke her heart. If I were a bit more affectionate, caring, empathetic, willing to open up my heart, this would not happen. I love her with all my heart, but that alone is useless, if she doesn't feel it. I thought I knew it all, but at the end I 'miscalculated'. I misjudged. Yes, I'm not the one to be blamed fully. What I am now is the result of many events that happened in the past. However, I am the one who should be responsible for everything that has happened thus far.

I wanted to beg her, but desperate guys don't look cool. No, don't get me wrong. What I really meant was, the more you chase something, the more unlikely you will get it. I searched on Google, "how to get my ex back?". I was desperate, devastated. I have never done such a thing before in my life. In the same week, I enrolled into an online course on how to get her (your ex) back. In my free time I read articles about relationship, on how to mend broken relationships. This will be covered in another post.

I felt terrible at work. I had to fake a smile in my face to everyone, I had to act normal as if nothing happened terrible happened to me. MY GF DUMPED ME!! I FEEL SO TERRIBLE THAT I WANT TO SHOUT OUT LOUD RIGHT HERE IN THE OFFICE!! WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I REVIEW ALL THESE USELESS DESIGNS?!!  That was what I felt. In my mind, there were two voices. One told me to cry and beg her to accept me. Just beg her, spam her with texts. Say sorry, call her, go to her house, beg her dad, beg her mum, beg her until she accepts you back. If all else fails, beg for her sympathy. Cut your wrist, drink until you're drunk, get sick. Then drunk text her. Tell her, you became like this because she broke up with you. Maybe she'll talk to you. Maybe she'll take care of you. And maybe...she'll feel guilty and be with you again. 

The other one told me to continue doing whatever I was doing. And I have to do it better. I have to improve. I should become stronger. I have to change. I have to prove to her that I honor what I told her in the letter, that I am serious about our relationship. I am a doer, not a talker. I walk the talk. Don't beg her. Begging is for losers. I am not a loser. I am a winner. She wouldn't like a loser who whines at her, who begs at her. "Please spare her already. You have hurt her so much, and now you wanna hurt her more? Please fuck yourself. If you love her, and more importantly if you want her back, then leave her alone, at least for now. You do not deserve her.

 I still remember reading Rich Dad Poor Dad every day during lunch. My heart felt as if it was stabbed repeated, but I told myself to man up. You were dumped. That sucks. You do not want to end up poor too, fucker.


It has been two months since that day. However, all these memories remain crystal clear. I have never been so sure before in my life. So sure to want her back in my life, even at this point of time.