What's Wrong With Me?

I'm sorry for the poor QC on my recent posts. I couldn't be bothered, really. I just wanted to speak what's in my heart. You may have noticed that I do not seem like the same person you know IRL, or on FB. IRL I macam so full of energy, with all the financial freedom, investments, Internet Marketing thingamajigg... But here I'm like the total opposite. Emotional, sad, depressed, unstable. Both personalities are of me. It's just that I do not show the emotional side of me that much IRL. Maybe because I'm concerned at how people look at me and these people include my family, my friends, her. Maybe that's one of the many reasons she left me. I'm actually trying to improve more on this, really. It's not hard to notice, just go to my FB account. I think I've opened myself to people more now.. Good enough actually. Need to train myself more on that haha.

Yeah, I've spent a good amount of money and time to change myself into someone that she would like. The me that she once loved (better, improved version). In the course, I was told to reduce communications with her. No matter how much I want to text her, I am not allowed to do it.
I have to remove that 'neediness' from myself. I must not appear needy. Rather, I should focus on myself. Let's face it. I do not need her to live. She is not oxygen. Without her, I am still living (it's just that life would be fucking terrible la LOL). Needy guys are not cool I was told, and I totally agree. Even if I successfully begged her back, history is bound to repeat again, hurting both me and her. A solution is required to fix this problem, and this solution lies on me (mostly, because I'm the main contributing factor to the break up). So yeah, I have to change my mindset from needing her to wanting her. I personally feel that this is a very strong message. Okay see..... I do not need her to live. I could have been with someone else, agree? But instead of dating other girls, I CHOOSE to want her. I want her, I desire for her love. I want her hands, I want her to be mine. Heck I could have been with any girl on this planet, but of all girls she's the one I want. Nothing else, noone else. Period.

If I said I need her, then it's like being unfair to her. I need her, but I may not want her. I need her because I need her. If I have a choice, I might not want to have her.
SEE THE DIFFERENCE? Although I may not have been a good bf to her, but I loved her with all my heart no fucking doubt. IF I were to  be with her again, I'll make her feel that she is all I want. Everything else is a plus. She really deserves all I have. Fuck if only I realized it earlier :(
Stupid idiot.


Back to self-focus on the no contact part, I'm supposed to use that time to improve myself, to search for myself, something like soul-searching. Go meet new people, buy new clothes, change my hairstyle, be healthy, go to a gym, train hard, work hard, earn more money, go out with other girls, etc etc etc. I will not deserve her until I'm 100% sure that I'm no longer the one she broke up with. After two months, I felt different. I feel more alive. I have learnt a lot. My mindset is different now. I have learnt to treasure her more (the irony). Don't get me wrong, she was always important to me even when we were together. It's just that I failed to make her feel that she was important to me, I definitely need to change the way I express myself oTL ..... And my feelings for her only grows stronger day by day it feels so strange (?) I have never felt this way before.

So....... a question I asked myself. You're taking too long!! You should strike while the iron is still hot. Like....when she still has some feelings for you!! She might have gotten herself a new bf by now, don't you fucking realize that you fucker? What's the point of wearing yourself out doing all these things while you waste your only chance in getting her back?! By the time you're done, she would've forgotten you already, or even being in love in someone else now.

This is a tough one. I know it's tough. I keep thinking about that every day. You have no idea how much it hurts just thinking about that. :'(
But I told myself,
You must remember the reason why she left you. You have to be someone that she could rely on. Someone whom she feels safe with. Someone she is happy with. Someone she could spend her entire life with. Someone for her. You're neither. You can't fulfill any of these. So even if you managed to get her back, the old problem will resurface, you're gonna end up worse than before.  Until you fix that problem you can never think of being with her again. It's just that simple.
Yes I know she's most likely dating someone else now. It's no rocket science. 99.99% she's dating someone now. It must hurt you so badly, but there's no choice. You have no choice but to do what you're supposed to do. You must accept the possibility that you might never ever be with her again, forever. After all, you have wasted the chance. Someone else has it now, and it's your fault. Maybe in the future, months later years later there'll be a chance for you. MAYBE.

I could only pray that my wish could come true. I don't know. Whatever it is, I will not stop loving her. I may sound crazy, to love someone more after breaking up, but trust me I know what I'm doing. Maybe my chance is lost forever, but I will not give up as long as I live. I know my chance is not zero, because I'm taking action right now. It's only zero if I decided to give up. There is hope, Tze Yang. 0.01% is still better than zero. If she ever gives you another shot, please don't screw it up again. If you screw it up again you deserve to burn in hell remember that.


orz sorry you have to bear so much of my nonsense haha. In the next post I will talk about how I leveraged my mind and my emotions, as well as the positive side of the break up.


I miss you