Some Confessions

Man, its been years since I last updated my blog. And my first blog post after years of hiatus is a tl;dr post. I normally don't feel the need to type here anymore, but I really do not know how to describe my feelings now. Mixture of feelings: disappointment, sadness, pain. I do not know who to talk to, and I also don't know how. Its just too jumbled up, my feelings. I realized that I've been feeling like this for a long time, but its only recently that it became stronger and harder for me to handle. Sorry for the bad grammar. My grammar has always been bad, and its even worse now that I can't really think properly. This is probably the first time I'm feeling like this.    :(

I knew her around two years ago. No, it was not love at first sight. We were just normal friends back then. I think it was during last year, through some activities and events, we interacted more with each other. Eventually we became closer as we chat online and meet up IRL.

After some time, I began to realize that I actually like to talk to her. I felt happy when we're spending time together. I enjoyed fighting with her. I liked to listen through her rants and problems. I liked to be someone useful to her. Something like that. I don't know how to explain. I began to ask myself, what was it I was feeling? Did I like her or something? I was confused, and I didn't want to think, because that time I told myself that I should not think about all these in order not to hurt myself again ( due to problems in past relationships, I was kinda scared to love someone). So yeah, I just told myself that its not so unusual to feel like that to a friend.
I tried not to think so much. No, not about her, but about these weird feelings. I think, its more like I was trying to deny my feelings to her.

I knew that I wouldn't be her type of guy. I am a good-for-nothing person; she wouldn't like someone like me.  "The reason why she treats you so well is because she is a very nice person. You're her good friend. And she treats her friends well, like everyone. So what are you trying to do by thinking about that? No, it won't happen. It could only make things worse, make things feel awkward. Don't be stupid. Do the right thing". That was what I constantly tell myself whenever I think about her. Yeah, I think about her often. I hated it. It makes me lose concentration on whatever I was doing.

"You're like this because you treasure her as one of your closest friends. Don't you feel like this with your other close friends too? See, does it make sense now? There's nothing more to it. So, stop thinking already"........
But, why doesn't my heart beat fast when I'm with my other close friends?

I was in denial for a very long time. Actually I might have known that I actually like her, but by telling myself all those nonsense, I somehow managed to lie to myself. There's a very big hole in that logic. If you do not like someone, why try so hard to deny your feelings? The fact that I told myself all those nonsense kinda proved that I actually like her. I really hated myself for being such a person. Someone who can't admit to himself his feelings for someone, something so simple. What a coward I am! Many people, myself included are going to be hurt because of this attitude of mine.

I did not do anything suspicious that makes people (she included) think that I have feelings for her (since I 'convinced' myself that I don't like her). I'm very good at that. I would just tease her for almost everything she does, fight with her, and do lots of other nonsense too, though all these were not intentional. From a third persons view, we may seem as enemies maybe.


I had sleepless nights occasionally because I was thinking of her, which was kinda contradictory to what I told myself. It was not easy trying to find other things to distract myself from thinking about her. Normally I would just play games or just do work to keep myself distracted. I've never felt like this before, like constantly thinking about someone for long periods of time. When I'm not with her I miss her. When I'm with her I just keep quiet. After we left I miss her again. What kind of idiot am I? I feel so retarded for being this stupid. If I had done something about it, I wouldn't have felt so bad, really.


So this went on for about half a year, until one day.. it was during the exam week. The day I got a big mindf*ck. I saw her, with another guy so close to each other right in front of my eyes. With PDA. I was shocked, very shocked. There was a sinking feeling in my heart. I didn't know what I was feeling, I just felt very terrible. I just hoped my expressions remain normal in front of them. My head was filled with questions which I couldn't seem to answer. I asked myself, "is this sadness I am feeling right now?". "I do not like her. But, why do I feel so terrible? Why do I feel like crying? Maybe its not because I like her. Its normal when your close friends get into a relationship. You feel like they're gonna spend lesser time with you. That's why you're feeling like this" is that I told myself. During that time, I tried my very best to avoid her in order to run away from reality. I feel more and more like a coward. I do not know why a person like me can exist in this world.